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| Bar and Bat Mitzvah Guide |
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"Bar" is the Aramaic word for "son". "Bat" is the Hebrew
word for "daughter". "Mitzvah" in Hebrew means
"commandment".
A "son of the commandments" or a "daughter of the
commandments" is a person who is obligated to observe the
commandments and traditions of Judaism.
Bar Mitzvah (and Bat Mitzvah) is not a ceremony. It is an age.
One does not get "Bar-Mitzvahed". One becomes a Bar-
Mitzvah by reaching a certain age. A boy automatically
becomes a Bar-Mitzvah at the age of 13 years and one day. A
girl automatically becomes a Bat-Mitzvah at the age of 12
years and one day, even if they have never set foot inside a
synagogue. In our society, when one reaches the age of 18,
he/she receives the privilege and the responsibility to vote. So
too in Jewish society: when one attains the age of Bar or Bat
Mitzvah, he/she receives certain privileges and
responsibilities.
The ages of 12 for a girl and 13 for a boy are significant.
Generally, this is the age when the child enters adolescence,
and physically as well as emotionally begins the road to
adulthood.
If Bar/Bat Mitzvah is an age, why the ceremony? Calling a
Bar-Mitzvah to the Torah was a public way of announcing to
the entire community that this child was now part of the adult
Jewish world. Reciting the Haftorah, reading from the Torah,
giving a Dvar Torah (a short sermon) and leading parts of the
service, were ways of showing how much one had learned.
Bar/Bat Mitzvah is a Simchah ("a happy occasion"). As such,
it is appropriate that it be shared with family and friends; and
in Jewish tradition, a Simchah is celebrated by a Seudat
Mitzvah ("a meal of the Commandment" - a feast that
celebrates the observance of the Commandments).
A Statement on Bar/Bat Mitzvah
Bar and Bat Mitzvah represents a beginning, not an ending.
From this moment, Jewish young people are obligated to
fulfill the Mitzvot of our tradition; from this moment, the
Jewish community begins to count on its young people to
share in our common destiny.
Under no circumstances should the Bar or Bat Mitzvah signal
a graduation from, or an end to, formal Jewish study. Only
now, as a child enters maturity, can he or she truly begin to
understand the depth and beauty of our history, culture and
religion. We urge parents to send their children to Post Bar
Mitzvah classes. We also urge you to set an example for your
children by participating in adult Jewish education.
The celebration of Bar/Bat Mitzvah should be in keeping with
the spirit of the event itself. Though peer pressure and
community "standards" require the kind of excesses that all of
us are familiar with, Jewish tradition does not. Since a Bar or
Bat Mitzvah is about following Jewish tradition, what our
religious values teach us should be more important than what
local social values expect. Dignity and modesty are hallmark
Jewish values, and the Bar/Bat Mitzvah celebration should be
guided by these two standards.
The observance of Shabbat is one of the pillars of Jewish
tradition. Nothing should be done to celebrate a Bar or Bat
Mitzvah that flagrantly violates the traditional observance of
Shabbat (for example: Music, photography, and smoking.) If
you plan a Shabbat reception, we urge you to hold it in our
Temple, where Shabbat is properly observed.
The observance of Kashrut is another of the pillars of Jewish
tradition. Having a non-Kosher affair negates everything that
the ceremony stands for. We urge you, in the strongest terms
possible, to have a Kosher celebration of any Jewish Simchah.
The Board of Trustees of Temple Beth Torah
Bar/Bat Mitzvah Dates: Temple Policy
Boys technically become a Bar Mitzvah upon reaching the age
of 13 years and 1 day, as calculated by the Hebrew calendar.
We do not give out Bar Mitzvah dates that would take place
prior to that birthday.
Girls technically become Bat Mitzvah upon reaching the age
of 12 years old and 1 day, according to the Hebrew calendar.
For social and educational reasons, we try to set the Bat
Mitzvah date as close to the 13th birthday as possible, but it
could be prior to that birthday.
We do not "double-up" children (except for twins). We don't
want a child to have to "share" his/her Bar/Bat Mitzvah with
another child.
In any given year, there are approximately 35 Saturdays that
are available (leaving out summers, winter vacations, and
Jewish holidays). When class enrollment in a grade tops 30
students, scheduling becomes very tight.
Boys born during the summer get pushed back to September,
which then pushes everyone else back. Girls born during the
summer might be pushed forward to May or June - if there are
openings, or back to the Fall if there are not.
We do not schedule Sunday, or Thanksgiving, or Rosh Hodesh
Bar or Bat Mitzvahs.
We would prefer that every child have a Saturday morning
service. We recognize that in some years we might not have
enough dates to go around. The Ritual Committee has decided
for that reason to make Saturday evening dates available.
Please be aware that at a Saturday evening service there is
significantly less for the child to do.
As a Conservative synagogue, we require 5 years of Jewish
education leading to the Bar or Bat Mitzvah.
The Bar/Bat Mitzvah Day
The Ritual Committee will call you about one month prior to
the date to schedule a meeting to help you with the honors. We
keep one Aliyah for the Congregation, and Hagbah is given to
someone experienced in lifting the Torah. All the rest - seven
speaking Aliyot and seven non-speaking honors - are given to
the family.
Aliyot (speaking honors) should only be given to those who
know what they are doing, and have reviewed and practiced
the blessings. Only Jews may participate in the religious
rituals on the Bimah.
Please convey to your guests that they should dress
appropriately for a religious service, and that Jewish men are
expected to wear a Tallit; it is customary to cover one's head
in the Sanctuary. Women who are immodestly dressed will be
asked to put on a shawl. We offer direction cards that also
provide basic information about our service. We urge you to
include them in your invitations.
On Shabbat, we don't use the phones, smoke, write, take
pictures or give gifts. Busses may not be parked in front of the
Temple, or on Temple grounds.
We will schedule a rehearsal the Sunday before the Bar
Mitzvah.
We will be happy to arrange for pictures with you and your
photographer in the Temple before or after the Bar Mitzvah.
Sisterhood will call you the week of the Bar Mitzvah to
arrange flowers.
Contact our caterer to discuss a luncheon or other special
arrangements.
Bar Mitzvah parents are responsible for the behavior of the
children they invite to the Temple. Should our ushers have a
problem with rowdy kids, they have been instructed to get you
to deal with the children. Since this may not be how you wish
to spend the day, we ask you to consider the following:
Speak to your child's friends before the Bar Mitzvah, and
inform them of your expectations of proper behavior.
Ask a few of your friends to serve as ushers during the service.
It is crucial to keep the Bar Mitzvah in proper perspective: It is
not about the party; It is not even about your child's
performance in the synagogue that day. Rather, Bar Mitzvah is
about a new beginning in life, as a person committed to
learning and living as a Jew, and thereby becoming a
"Mensch". Our job (the parents and the synagogue) is figuring
out how to best help them on that journey.
For Students: Proper Behavior at Shabbat Services
1. You should come no later than 10:15 am, enter the
Sanctuary, open a Siddur, and follow the service.
2. Plan to be in the Sanctuary until services are over. If
you have to leave to go to the bathroom, do it alone,
and quickly.
3. It is not appropriate to spend time hanging out in the
lobby, bathroom, or in/or outside of the building with
friends.
4. While we don't expect you to remain silent for an
hour and a half, we do expect that your talking will
not disturb the service. Talking during the sermon or
while the Bar/Bat Mitzvah is leading services is
especially rude and distracting.
5. Any vandalism of the building will be dealt with in
the most severe manner.
6. On Shabbat, do not use phones, write, take pictures,
or give gifts.
7. During the Kiddush or Oneg, we keep our heads
covered.
8. If your friends - who aren't members here - are
talking loudly or messing around, we ask you to tell
them: "Hey, keep it down. This is my Temple, we
don't do that here."
9. Chewing gum is inappropriate in the Sanctuary
during services.
10. Be supportive and respectful to your friend who is up
on the Bimah.
Bar/Bat Mitzvah Lessons
The Cantor begins meeting with students approximately 13
months prior to their ceremony. Lessons are for one-half hour,
once a week. In the weeks prior to the Bar/Bat Mitzvah,
additional lessons may be scheduled.
Students are expected to practice EVERY DAY, for half an
hour, by listening to their tapes, and repeating their assigned
work. Parents play an important role in seeing that their
children diligently adhere to this schedule. Please note: A
child sitting in their room with the tape playing does not
constitute "practice." We ask you to see to it that they actually
sing their assignments out loud.
We recognize that every child is different. Accordingly, each
student will be pressed to do as much as they are capable of.
Every student does the Kiddush on Friday night, and the
Maftir Aliyah and the Haftorah (and its blessings) on
Saturday. Almost all of our Bnai Mitzvah read from the Torah,
and many lead parts of the service.
Fees
There is a Bar/Bat Mitzvah fee that covers the Oneg Shabbat
(Friday night refreshments), the Saturday Kiddush, and the
flowers, among other costs. If families sponsor a luncheon
following services to which the entire congregation is invited
(figure approximately 50 Shabbes regulars) then a portion of
the Bar Mitzvah fee is rebated as a credit.
All fees and dues must be current prior to the Bar/Bat
Mitzvah.
Tzedakah
As Bar/Bat Mitzvah signals the transition from childhood to
adolescence and adulthood, we encourage you to mark this
milestone by the performance of the mitzvah of Tzedakah.
Many families make a donation to the Temple Beth Torah
Rabbi's Charity Fund; Others choose charities that have
significance to them. Consider donating left-over food to
Island Harvest, or Interfaith Nutritional Network. Some
families have asked guests to bring canned food or new toys to
their party, which are delivered to soup kitchens or children's
hospitals. Mazon is an organization that suggests people
donate 3% of the cost of their party to help feed the hungry.
Many support Israel by the planting of trees, through the
Jewish National Fund, or the purchase of Israel Bonds.
Celebrating... Creatively
Every child is different, and every family is different. Not
every Bar and Bat Mitzvah celebration has to be exactly the
same. (The Torah says nothing about Smorgasbords, DJs, or
Dancers!) Some families decide on a luncheon in the
synagogue, and then a separate party just for kids. Other
families have opted for a Bar Mitzvah tour to Israel, and a
"second ceremony" at the Kotel, or atop Masada. UJA offers
its "Gift of Israel" program - where a bank account is set up
for the child (into which deposits are made) which is then used
three or four years later for a Teen Tour to Israel. From time to
time we see a "Twinning" Bar or Bat Mitzvah - where our
student symbolically shares his or her day with a Jewish child
who may not have had the same opportunities. We urge you to
be creative in determining the best way to celebrate your
child's special day. We offer you our support, and our
assistance.
What's Next?
Becoming a Bar or Bat Mitzvah means that a young adult is
now obligated to observe the Mitzvot. Traditionally Jews
speak about the "613 Commandments" that comprise the
Jewish way of life. These include ethical laws, as well as ritual
ones, those that guide us in our relationships with other
people, and those that connect us to God!
The very first mitzvot that should follow Bar or Bat Mitzvah is
Talmud Torah - the study of the Jewish tradition, so that the
young person knows what it is they are obligated to do.
Continuing Jewish studies in PBM (Post Bar Mitzvah) Class is
one way to fulfill this. In Zayin class, we suggest the reading
of the Bible that the students are given - one chapter per day.
Since our children are now counted in the minyan, we
recommend they attend our daily evening services (which are
very brief; dress is informal), or the putting on of Tefillin each
morning along with the recitation of the Shema, and the
Amidah.
Besides Torah (Learning) and Tefillah (Prayer), we also
encourage our students to do Tzedakah (deeds of charity and
kindness), make Shabbat (perhaps by using their gifts to light
candles and make Kiddush each Friday night) and keep
Kosher (avoiding pork and shellfish, not mixing milk and
meat, buying kosher foods). We'd love to see our students (and
their families) at Shabbat and holiday services. And of course,
we hope they will live up to the highest standards of Jewish
ethics.
"May we all be privileged to see our children committed to the
Torah, come under the Hupah, and practice good deeds!"
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